i was having a few thoughts in the shower that i'm not sure will contribute to anything in any meaningful way.
the majority of my thoughts resided around wondering why sometimes i cry when i laugh.
most likely you think i'm referring to the type of laughter that indicates i'm happy.
i think most of the time it does seem to start like that.
but very quickly it degrades into something i'm not sure i fully understand.
my thoughts often become jumbled, i can't tell whether every thought that comes into my head is my own.
i often question the validity of ideas, or simply my purpose for existence.
oddly i went through a large bulk of time where i questioned my 'depression'.
not sure if this period of time was positive for me, but my line of thinking often resulted in the following train of thought:
- i'm going to die
- i could kill myself
- this life isn't real
- this life isn't the only one
- why kill myself
- just enjoy my life
- if nothing has meaning then i can do as i please
- i am a miniscule part of something much larger than myself
- my death would mean nothing
- my living would mean nothing
- why not end it earlier?
- why would i end it early?
- my actions have no long term consequences
- so just live to the moment
- and not in some bullshit kind of way
i guess it begins to sound cheesy, but it seemed to work in some sense.
often with this line of questioning i found that i believed that i truly could live happily
i think quite commonly i find myself thinking these thoughts again.
i was wondering about the validity of my attachment to the many material items i own
i love these things
the many tiny objects and trinkets that are scattered with perfect percision throughout my mess of a room.
but i wondered whether selling everything would liften some kind of load.
i've often found that as a person i do well no pressure.
if i begin to feel pressure, i tend to flake away.
i felt like i was taught a lot in school when i was younger that those with the ability to pick things up quickly were smarter.
i'm not trying to say i'm intelligent, i struggle heavily with how little i actually know most of the time.
but my point is - i can't dedicate myself to anything
i struggle to truly enjoy the little things, or even the big things.
i was wondering why i cry sometimes when i laugh, i don't know if it's some phoney kind of
""" i've never truly been happy """ bullshit.
but i still just think. how come i can't control it.
i sometimes question whether i've strived to have mental illness since a young age.
i think i was born into a generation where being unique was different.
just at the edge of when mental illness was being accepted.
i used to speculate whether i struggled with things that i didn't even fully understand the definition of.
but now i wonder is that it's own form of mental illness?
again, at risk of sounding completely pathetic.
i pushed myself into deep spirals of unhappiness
i very often faught against those who cared about me by constantly disapointing them
even now i see what i'm doing to my father.
i can often have vary conflicting internal arguments about opinions on subjects.
often i am angry about people discussing mental illness so openly - but yet here i am.
( to clarify the anger is for those that i believe are lying about what they're dealing with and to a !!!large!!! audience of people. )
i often think my mother was not there for me and so is undeserving of my love.
but often place my father as an idol figure of parenting.
where they both there equally throughout my childhood? perhaps.
i don't think they truly were, i believe my father was there more.
but maybe it just felt like he cared more.
or maybe because i had replacement maternal figures that i heavily depended on.
why can't i control the crying?
on two occasions - one very recently - i begun to laugh.
what seemed like laughter continued until i cried.
i couldn't stop the crying.
and eventually extremely negative thoughts penetrate my thoughts.
i scared joe when i did this. he seemed genuinely concerned. do you think that there are many people who care so selflessly?
perhaps most people do, but because i do not i question their true thoughts.
i really do believe i've become a more selfless person.
the secret to the process has i guess been to slowly understand myself.
but still i find that i question deeply those who outwardly present their mental health.
those people that say things like "i just want to die, i'm so depressed!!" in that 'quirky' tone of voice.
i understand these people are very likely to truly be dealing with something.
but it's not quite what they think.
i've typed a lot that doesn't make sense but i'm going to not read any of it and leave it as it is.
Please. Can someone come find me.